For a few hours I have been sifting through topics and ideas to write about and none were speaking to me. I was not feeling any connection with them. I knew I wasn’t going to give up and not write an entry for today, so what was I going to do? Initially I opted for patience as my tool of preference. That has assisted me in remaining calm and being able to reassure myself that ‘it will come’. Why do I believe this – because it is important to me to do so. Then I looked a bit deeper within and my being today feels off-centre. Will anything speak to me whilst I am in this state? What if I don’t concern myself with that and merely zoom in and write candidly about my view inwards today?
I was thinking of how caught up we get with thoughts of doing what we think others want us to and saying what we think others want to hear. We try to present ourselves in our best light always. We don’t necessarily feel comfortable with letting others see the view beyond our exterior, especially when it is folks separate to our close inner circle of our world.
Something unsettled me yesterday and I had difficulty pin-pointing exactly what. As my day grew longer, I was starting to feel a little raw emotion and didn’t know why. Then, something happened and I froze where I was.My clock that my youngest son had made me many years ago fell from the wall and landed down behind our two-seater lounge. I couldn’t move. I was hoping with all my might that it was not damaged. I couldn’t look. I hold deep sentiment to items hand-made by my sons and daughters. My partner graciously assisted and I was relieved, until, he reached back down and lifted up a piece of timber that had broken off the bottom of my long wall clock. I felt shattered and all I could do to cope was ask him to place it on my bed so I could deal with it later.
Later in the evening, my emotions started to transform into tears which began seeping over the spillway. I had words that touched my heart and soul expressed to me. I had words said to me that I cannot remember hearing from a relative since my high school days. I was overwhelmed with emotions; joy, excitement, happiness, sadness and pride. Tiredness was flooding my body at the same time emotions were surging. I needed sleep so I turned to my latest ‘go to’ that helps me nod off in a minute or two. I played my favourite instrumental tune and before it ended, the lens were closed.
Unfortunately, during the course of my nights slumber, I was awoken by a couple traversing our street having a very vocal animated ‘discussion’. The volume of their voices increased as they neared our home then trailed off thankfully as they moved further along. Shortly after this, whilst still in a state of doziness, nature’s alarm clock, the beautiful birds that live around or within the vicinity of our property, began their morning song. I dozed on and off for a while until it was time to begin my day in earnest.
Feeling tired, emotionally flat and somewhat disorganised, I was pondering how I was going to navigate my way through today. Simple; follow my advice that I would caringly give to others. Breathe slowly and begin, then take it one step at a time and be gentle with yourself today.
As I reached this point in time, right now, I had a revelation. I understand why I awoke feeling flat. I had used up my tank of concern. Yesterday I had learned of a loved one’s friend who had been in a serious car accident and lucky to have survived; I felt concern for them. I had learned of a loved one’s partner not overly well at the moment and I felt concern for them. I had learned of a loved one’s family member’s ill-health and felt concern for them. I felt concern for a loved one who has estranged themselves. All this concern and the lack of adequate sleep took its toll.
I acknowledge that it was a case of multiple things of a similar nature happening at once that along with all else that was going on in my days depleted me slightly. Would I have it any other way, if I could change it? Not in the slightest. Not a chance that I would not care or show concern. That is me, at the core of my being, my nature, who I am and I have no wish to be anyone else. Would I change that I felt the emotions and tears? No. It is a release, it is real, it is me. Would I change sharing this with you? No. This is me, zooming in and letting you see through my lens, me, in my rawness and that I have days like everyone else where things are not rosy and sweet and delightfully tasty. I know this is temporary and as the hours pass, so does everything else.
Be open, be honest and allow others to see your view. We are all human, we are all beautiful and we are all of value x
Image credit: Gerd Altmann