My Promise
I broke a promise to myself and punishment thumped me with a wallop and a half.
Some lessons in life have been served to me, over and over. Yep, I have been a slow learner in certain areas. Other times, these lessons have been a colossal reminder of the consequences continuing a particular path was going to bring and was needed to shake me up.
I had promised myself that I would take really good care of myself. My needs on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level were to be priority number one.
I broke that promise.
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An incredibly challenging aspect of my everyday life managed to get the upper hand. Naturally, I had not intended this to be the case. It happened with a persistence where I failed to find the resilience to ward off.
It chipped away at me every day. Rather than fulfilling my promise by staying in the sunlight to fill my wellness with warmth, energy, and optimism, I descended to the cold and dark basement of my being.
My self-care floundered.
I did not pay adequate attention to my nutritional needs. Daily walks fell off my schedule. Soul-soothing activities slid. I was consumed by over-thinking.
My promise was broken.
When I did indulge in gardening, to be active, get some vitamin D and nourish my senses, I overdid it. I thought I would recover the following day.
What I failed to notice was that I was carrying the weight of resentment with me, as I pruned, planted, raked, and mowed. No wonder I felt widespread pain throughout my body.
Wake-up call
Thump! Wallop! Wake up!
Over-doing it whilst descending the stairs to darkness with a belly full of anger, frustration and annoyance resulted in semi-trailer sized roadblocks.
I was stopped in my tracks. Until I was putting my self-care back into action, the roadblocks were not going to budge an inch.
Just for the pure reminder of the detriment letting a situation get the upper hand has on me, lethargy and fatigue paid a visit.
If I ignored the other signals, which I did, these two know I will take notice. Why? They are vivid flashing neon-sign nudges that chronic fatigue is on the horizon awaiting my lack-of-self-care arrival.
Of anything in life, I do not wish to succumb to ever again, it is chronic fatigue. Not being able to function, let alone take care of myself and my needs was an unforgettable experience. Being so debilitated would have been frightening had I had the energy at the time for emotions.
In retrospect, it is terrifying. Back then, I had daughters who were young mums that stayed at my home and took care of me around the clock. Forever grateful for their help and care, that is a load I hope they will not ever be required to carry again.
Time was lost over those many months when chronic fatigue dominated my existence. Much longer over the recovery period, there was a great deal I was not able to do and outings I could not attend. A huge impact on my independence and sense of self was profoundly felt.
I wonder if I subconsciously push the boundaries these days. Or is it that I fall into the old habit of not putting myself and my needs first? Perhaps it is the universe testing and tweaking my resilience.
Getting back on track
Thankfully, I listened to fatigue and lethargy when they visited. I reached into my trusty old toolbox of tricks and strategies. They are packing their bags for an imminent departure.
Strangely the universe has worked its conspiratorial magic. I awoke early hours of the morn, from a vivid dream. A sense of comforted calm washed over me. I had once more attained inner peace and contentment. A resounding feeling of “I am going to be okay” wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a chilly evening.
I know that the answers are going to be provided to me. The resources I need to navigate this next chapter are within my grasp. I may not be able to see it all just yet, nor aware of what, or how, this will transpire. Deep within my core I just know I will be given what I need.
Somehow, over the course of the last several days, the drudgery of the darkness has been beneficial. Meandering, lost in despair, has led to a lightened path that ascended from gloom to an incredible vista. Before me lies a gorgeous sun-drenched field of springtime wildflowers. My senses can soak up all this gorgeousness, healing my heart and soul. Sunshine will re-energise me.
As a dear beloved special someone said to me, “You’ve got this. Takes a lot to keep us down.” I have got this. It could not keep me down. I have arisen yet again.
I am a survivor, and I am going to thrive!
Further reading: another piece I wrote on resilience and surviving Resilience – Thought of the Week