Pulling the blinds

It is amazing how two unconnected actions and the subsequent thoughts can come together around something else completely. From reading a beautiful message this morning and replying and then a while later, raising the blind in my kitchen, came an insight. An awareness that I had pulled the blinds a long time ago and over the years, some people in my world got to only see through a little gap between the slats and others a bit more. Unbeknownst to me back then, as I was only a child, this was obviously a self-protection mechanism. Not able to process and understand what was happening or had happened around me, the blind starting coming down. Then over the years as the judgment and persistent rhetoric of being reminded what I couldn’t do and what I wasn’t good at, helped bring that blind down even further. I didn’t know how to un-jumble all the emotion and thoughts. I felt defunct. Of course there were times when I would receive positive and encouraging comments or I would feel I had achieved something of value however this was confusing. Amidst this confusion though, I would start to lift the blind a little only to find the pattern begin all over again. Thankfully I have some people in my world that kept tugging at the blind and sometimes even forced it open. I had others who would wander back and forth past my window, waiting to explode with an uninvited and unwelcomed tirade if it lifted. That was suffice to keep me hanging on tight to the blind’s cord to ensure it didn’t fly up. It remained like this for years however, not that long ago a shift began, slowly unfolding over some time and eventually with some astuteness, I altered the direction of the path outside my blinded window. No longer could those who had been wandering past waiting to seize an opportunity even get close to or see my window. The gems that had stayed by me, tugging at my blind and encouraging me had a greater presence and held more of my view through my window. The blind started opening more and more. The light finding its way in was uplifting. Faded darkness had less space for fear. Ultimately there came enough light to be able to read without strain and that first book I dove into catapulted me to action. Not only did I lift the blind, and even all the way up, it has now been removed from the window. I find now and then I am taking a step towards the window to reach for the blind that is no longer there. I stop and take a deep, slow breath in. I remind myself that now and every day forward, there is only room for light and for the view ahead of me. The blind was there because I had allowed the measure of my value to be from others standpoint. Now the measure of my value is my own, from my own viewpoint and I love this new landscape I am seeing ahead of me.