Time Out

In the lead up to Christmas I was dealing with some pretty stressful matters not related to Christmas. It took its toll on me and it was beneficial to ease back on the throttle a fair bit over recent days. Hence why I have not been writing or sharing very much.

There was another layer on top of this related to Christmas and as much as I held on to being grateful for what we were going to have over this period, below the surface was still deep sadness that bubbled up from time to time. I did my utmost to keep it concealed from my family as I didn’t want it permeating their celebrations and dampening their happiness. It was a very challenging time. I miss immensely not having all my family together in my home for Xmas lunch as they are what I value the most in life. The separation is difficult to endure.

I had my little moments when I was unable to contain the emotion but thankfully it was out of their sight. I value and am grateful for the time I did have with them over the Xmas period; it is special and meaningful. The hugs from them and my grandchildren mean more than they could ever possibly know. I wonder if one day they will understand that.

I also felt great sadness for my partner who is on-call over this period into the New Year. This meant he was not able to travel away to spend any time with his family members over this time that is targeted as the magical time of year when families get together. The lack of contact from his family breaks my heart. My family adores him and makes sure he knows he is loved and appreciated, so once again I am thankful for that.

The stresses have caused my body to go into a mini-flare. I am okay as it is mild and I will be back to my fully functioning self before too long with proper self-nurturing and self-care. Lots of alternating activity and rest is important for me during these times as is providing my body with nutrient dense nourishing and healing real foods.

I have missed writing yet I was so drained I had little capacity to coherently articulate my thoughts. It was necessary to have the time out to manage what I chose to participate in and accept the circumstances I was surrounded by.

Once upon a time I would have been berating myself for not pacing myself better, for letting things get to me, for not having the energy on all levels to do what I love and so on. This was such an unhelpful practice. Why I did it was for a myriad of reasons. Why I don’t do it now is that I know deep within my being, the best thing I can ever do for myself is to take care of me. I have spent a lifetime taking care of others or helping to the extent my own well-being suffered. That is no longer the case. I help when I am able and I take extra care of me when needed. I am not letting anyone down which was a long held belief; I had been letting myself down as I had not acknowledged that I matter just as much as anyone else in my world.

There are still remnant emotions simmering away and I will accept them in due course and then put the matters behind them to bed. What is important is being kind to me as I go through a recovery process. No self-inflicted pressures, no berating self-talk, no attempt at being a superhuman, no trying to achieve all that I have on my list in a day and no putting myself last will all serve me well on my journey back to better well-being and this mini-flare being quashed.

There is so much more in my thoughts. Perhaps over coming days I can share more of them with you. In the meantime, know that I am taking care of me so I can be the best version of myself and be able to interact with you all to my heart’s content again soon.

Please take care of you. Be kind to yourself and everyone you meet – we really do need more kindness and love in this world x

Image: Ulrike Mai

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