Hitting a blank

I have wanted to write for days now as I have been missing it so very much. A special loved one asked me recently have I had any time to write. I explained how I have been drawing blanks on what to write about; ideas have just not been popping into my head.

In saying that though, a couple of times I have thought of something to write about and it has been just as I was dozing off or when I have awoken between the 4am-5am timeslot and I am so very tired. If I was to put a lamp on and jot my ideas down, I would have a ninety-five percent chance of not being able to fall asleep. At present, I need as much quality restorative sleep that I can get for my body to recover and rejuvenate. Needless to say, the ideas drifted into the never never without any possibility of retrieval.

Sometimes it just takes a start; sitting at the laptop and opening a document to begin writing. It doesn’t matter if an idea is there or not, just the purpose of beginning is what matters and then something will evolve no doubt. Once upon a time I was not lost for words and have been told over the years by aunts and uncles that as a young child I could have talked the leg off an iron pot.

Somewhere along the line things changed and I was more reserved. Being selective about my audience was very important to me. I do not have any memory of what triggered my retreat of keeping many of my thoughts to myself but it stayed like that for a long time. I still have been selective even to this day with whom I share what thoughts with.

This blog is definitely a step out of what was once my comfort zone. I have refrained from speaking of certain topics and thoughts as I am not ready to divulge from that arena as yet. Some of it involves raw emotions, circumstances and memories that still hit me in the pit of my stomach. I know I will need to feel that I am not in quick sand before I can delve deep into this part of my soul.

It is very interesting for me at present that I am still so very hungry to learn more of my family’s history. I missed out on so much of my grandparents and that is a void that can never be filled. The precious few memories I have of some of them are cherished feverishly and I know that I need to get these memories written before any chance of possibly losing them.

I suppose all this ties in together in the long run; my identity and who am I? I know what interests me, I know where my passions lie and yet I feel somewhat stuck with responsibility and choices and decisions to be made. I need to find my resilience and focus to begin the next part of my journey and move forward.

So much pondering, so much considering, so much thought. Back to my mantra of ‘I can, I will, I must’ to regain some sentiment of me and which paths I need to meander from here on.

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